Monday, May 14, 2012

Say You, Say Free

Our downtown date night is nearly upon us! And in anticipation of this event, I've been tidiously toning my body through a strict regiment of cardio and Pilates. A body, which is being fueled by an abusive cabbage diet. All this - - so that I look my best when the lights go dim. As the days grew long and the nights short, the anticipation surrounding our night grew. With the smell of sauerkraut staining our living space, I wondered where would we eat? What it would cost, and more importanly, could I get it for free? My first instinct was steak, then fondue finally I decided on to take on the creatures of the deep... seafood. After careful considerations I've concluded that there is no place better than the legendary Shaw's Crab House. So, with room in hand, could a free meal be within reach?

Dear Shaw's Crab House,

I just finished eating a taco salad, the Midwest kind - - You know the one with the Doritos, iceberg lettuce and French dressing. It was good - - decent. It tasted like 8th grade. The other day I made Sloppy Joes. My two little girls we’re repulsed and cried when I showed them dinner. My 6-year-old, she’s pretty smart, she said the slice of melted American cheese looked “unnatural.” I didn’t disagree. I don’t cook like this all the time, only when the day gets away from me. This is becoming more and more frequent. It was obvious - - I needed to be rejuvenated and there are only three things in this world that gets my blood pumping: Banana flavored candy, the idea that the government is hiding a secret alien recipe for an all encompassing universal toothpaste and super delicious food. So after a trip to Costco where I replenished my stash of yellow Laffy-Taffy, I sat back and hatched a plan, a social experiment.

Now I have eaten at a ton of restaurants, good, bad and Chili’s. But how can I possibly call myself a “foodie,” and resident of Chicago, when I’ve never experienced the culinary depths of Shaw’s Crab House? It’s sorta like sayin’ you’re a Lionel Richie super fan, but then completely dismissing “Say You, Say Me,” which is by far one of the most under rated songs of all time. 

But alas, after a 33-hour sugar coma, I had a clarity and purpose, the likes of which I've never known. I understood why I haven’t eaten at your restaurant, seen the Grand Canyon and after years of searching for a reason, I begrudgingly accepted why an ALF movie was never made… Time and money… mostly money (and ALF was a black-listed Hollywood racist!)

My plan is simple, find the time - - try not to spend the money. What will happen when I write fun people, great companies and Scandinavian countries and ask them to do the extraordinary, the unthinkable, when I ask them for “free?” The response has been obscenely positive. In fact your neighbors at The Hotel Palomar graciously set my wife and I up for a night on Saturday, May 19th. With fancy sleeping quarters at-the-ready, I was presented with the prefect opportunity to add a meal to our long overdue date night. So here it is… Will you Shaw’s Crab House, allow me, (a "creatively-bored" stay-at-home-dad) and my wife the privilege of eating at your wonderful establishment for free? In return, you will reserve a spot on "The Official Awesome List" of my blog “Life Between Naps” and quite possibly inspire me to cook a feastly brunch worthy of a thousand Viking Kings. Please consider giving “free,” or "close to free” a chance.

Thank you for any and all considerations.

Jim Noonan

After several pleasant dreams and one nightmare involving killer dungeness crabs, I would like to thank Amanda, Jeffery and all the good people at Shaw's Crab House for giving us the opportunity to stuff our food holes with all the sushi, shrimp, crab, tuna, grouper, lobster, steak and cocktails we can physically handle. Awesome company. Awesome Restaurant. Awesome people. LBN is happy to announce that Shaw's Crab House has staked it's claim on The Official Awesome List of LBN. Thank you Shaw's for giving "free" a chance.


  1. Get off that cabbage diet and start cracking those crab legs! You are the best beggar in Chicago!

  2. Guy Who Works for a LivingMay 19, 2012 at 11:32 PM

    Just found your festering turd of a blog. Freeloading fatasses like you offend me deeply to the core! Shame on you, and shame on companies that give into your tacky form of begging. My brother-in-law works 12 hour shifts in a bakery in the Philippines for $2 a day. He was deeply ashamed when we gave him some money for basic necessities for his very large family. You on the other hand, have no trouble asking for handouts from companies, purely because you think you're funny.

    You have inspired me to start my own blog dedicated to shaming the companies that give you things. I will write letters and encourage readers to boycott all businesses that give you handouts. In the meantime, get off your fat ass, use that "Shake Weight" that you no doubt got for free, and get a friggin job!