Wednesday, May 2, 2012

The Hulk & The Palomar

Last year I forgot our anniversary. Forgot! Like not even close to remembering! I just thought the tickets to see Ricky Gervais, the dinner, the uh... other stuff was just an awesome weekend. Then Cathy asked whether or not I got her anything. I paused, smiled and tried to give her the uh... other stuff again. It took 2 nights on the couch and an all to easy (for her) day of silence and disgusted looks until I realized my error. So... in order to make it up to her, I'm starting early. She's gonna get the anniversary present of a lifetime! I'm gonna take her to go see highly anticipated summer blockbuster The Avengers.

Of course she'll be repulsed by this, so I'll attempt to sweeten the deal by trying to get a night stay at one of Chicago's most beautiful hotels... The Palomar. Essentially my goal is to spend the same amount of money as last year (nothin') but add thought and recognition. If everything goes as planned we should have a delightful night of pleasant conversation, loving gazes and a bunch of uh...other stuff.

Dear Hotel Palomar,

I don’t know what you may/may not have heard, but I’ve never slept with you. Don’t get me wrong you’re pretty - - real pretty. I like you; you’re classier than the others. Sometimes at night I drive by just to see if you’re still there, you know, if you’re busy. I know this is embarrassing for me, so I can’t imagine how this feels for you. Maybe you get letters like this all the time, maybe you just hand them over to your “Manager,” but I have to act on my urges, I’m only human, I have desires.

I’m just a regular guy, a family man, a nerd, guys like me are a dime a dozen. But you - - you’re the captain of the cheerleading squad, the Prom Queen. Everyone loves you. In fact, you’ve definitely given a couple of my buddies the night of their lives. Ugh, I get jealous just thinking about it. So the other day and I don’t quite know why, I told a friend of mine that I’ve actually slept with you…. on several occasions! He was amazed; he didn’t think I had that kind of money. It was a slippery game of deception and a blatant attempt to gain popularity, to feel cool, to say I was inside of you. It was all a lie. Lies! Lies! Lies!

You see I’m a stay-at-home-dad with two little girls and a wife who works 60 hours a week. I don’t know what it feels like to have a real night out on the town, with the wife, as a couple, away from the kids. The last time we tried, the Super 8 was booked. Yes, The Super 8! Seriously?! They have rooms for everybody… I mean, come on - - In my early twenties, I was in and out of a Super 8 every night. They’re cheap, convenient and you can get one on every corner. Needless to say, it was a sad attempt at getting away for the weekend, we ended up spending 6 hours at an Applebee’s. With nothing left to lose, I came up with an idea. What if I just asked? This is not a crude ploy to get a free night’s stay at a world-class hotel; this is a social experiment!

Here it is… Will you, Hotel Palomar, let my wife (she’s nice) and I stay with you for free? I know it’s a lot to handle, you don’t usually work for “free,” but I have to ask. And wait… it gets better, (or worse, you may have already stopped reading) I have a blog with a pretty decent following. Imagine the “free” publicity you’ll get when I show the world this letter and how you'll personally feel the satisfaction by allowing my wife and I get away. You can prove to the world that sometimes all you have to do is ask. Nothing bad can happen, it’s all good. Do I expect you to say, “Yes, here’s the key card to the suite,” No. Would it be a heart-warming feel good story if you did? Yes.

Thank you for any considerations that you may give to this ridiculous request.

Jim Noonan

Three days later I was contacted by the lovely folks at the Hotel Palomar. They loved the letter and are graciously allowing us to spend the night with them in a King Spa Premier Room! They are straight up awesome and are the first official hotel of LBN.


  1. I don't live in Chicago anymore, but I visit sometimes. I'll be sure to give the Palomar call next time I need a hotel in the city.

  2. Super cool! I'm now really looking forward to my stay at the Kimpton Hotel in San Fransisco!

  3. Hooray for the Palomar (and Cathy & you, of course)!!

  4. Guy who works for a livingMay 21, 2012 at 7:12 PM

    Well there's one hotel in Chicago I will NOT be staying at. Shame on Hotel Palomar for caving into this sad excuse for a man.